Back in the Game!

So I’ve been noticeably absent lately… let’s fix that. I’m starting to fire things up again and get the ball rolling. No major changes (yet) but we’re working on it. In the meantime, here’s what we have done…

There is a now a ‘Tourist Info‘ page on the main nav. This will be a resource for all questions visitors may have. Where to eat, where to go when not strip clubbing, etc. You may have noticed the Restaurant Guides already. This page will build on that.

I’ve updated the pages for Stiletto’s and Temptations. More on Lipstixx and Scores coming soon.

This is just a reminder to vote in our reader polls. I love getting feedback and seeing the results. Keep in mind all of these votes are tied to unique users (IPs), so when we see 200 votes – it’s a sample of 200 people (not two people voting a hundred times over). Let’s see how many responses we can get!

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Editor’s Cut: NOLA Strip Club Awards

As many of you know, I recently wrote an article for Thrillist about New Orleans strip clubs. The assignment was to create a strip club guide for New Orleans – for tourists and locals alike. Not everything made the final cut, so I present you… the shit you didn’t see!

stiletto's bourbon

This is what Stiletto’s looks like with the lights on. WTF, Stiletto’s?! You put this on your website?

Category: Best Cheap Brothel Strip Club
Winner: Stiletto’s, Lipstixx (tied)

 
*Cue Jimmy Fallon “Thank You Notes” music*
“Thank you, Stiletto’s, for being just like a brothel – but cheaper. Much. Cheaper.”

You don’t need to ask why you ended up at Stiletto’s or Lipstixx. You know why. It’s so you can hear the greatest words ever in a strip club: “no, we don’t need a champagne room to do that.” #Winning

As the Thrillist article will tell you… if your idea of ballin’ is breaking a $20, you’ll love Stilleto’s. Otherwise, there’s no reason to visit either club unless you’re looking for [illicit activity redacted] on the cheap.

Insider Knowledge: you’ll spend more money at Lipstixx for a VIP room than you will at Stiletto’s. At Lipstixx, you’ll be pressured to tip the VIP hostess before your time starts. Of course you can say no, but understand this is the person you’re depending on to look the other way when… well, you want her to look the other way. Denying her a tip could make the whole VIP room a giant disappointment. (NOTE: I’m pretty sure the same holds true for Scores or Temptations, but I can’t remember for certain if you’re asked to tip the hostess or not.)

dixie divasCategory: Best Retirement Home for Strippers
Winner: Dixie Divas, The Harem (tied)

 
Elementary schools used to do tours of the former Charity Hospital to give students a glimpse of public healthcare. They should do that with these clubs. It could serve as a PSA for what happens when strippers stay in the biz for a little too long.

Guests will enjoy such treats as the bartender/manager confidently auctioning off one of the dancers for well below MSRP. Or an overweight stripper blowing smoke in your face and asking if you’re ready for “some fun”. Pass.

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Tourist Guide, Pt. 2 of 3: Bars & Nightlife

Like it or not, here comes round two! In Pt. 1, we played restaurant critic. Now we’re giving you the lowdown on the downtown NOLA bar scene (not including strip bars). Something to keep in mind… this list only includes bars in the downtown/CBD; many of the city’s best bars are scattered throughout the city, particularly in uptown New Orleans. Also keep in mind this list is intended for tourists. Those of you who live here or visit often already know about these places.

Don’t worry – we’ll get back to writing about strip clubs soon enough…

Q: Okay, what if I want to go to bars that aren’t strip bars?

Carousel Bar Hotel Monteleone

Drink enough and you’ll think this carousel is actually moving!

No matter how fancy the bar, anywhere is cheaper to get drunk than a strip club. (Pro tip: get your buzz from those cheap “Huge Ass Beers” down the street (40oz for $12), not $8 Miller Lite at Penthouse.)

The most popular bar on Bourbon has got to be Pat O’Brien’s, without a doubt. Well, it’s actually on St. Peter – but very close to Bourbon. Nice piano bar & patio bar – and their Hurricane is legendary in New Orleans. It’s definitely worth a visit. (UPDATE: Perhaps I should retract my “most popular … without a doubt” statement. There are tons of popular bars on Bourbon, obviously, and I usually prefer to avoid sweeping generalizations like “this is EVERYONE’S favorite” anyway.)

If you’re feeling fancy, hit up the Carousel Bar at the Hotel Monteleone. It’s historic (and cool looking). And expensive. I said fancy, asshole. Also, if you’re a self-proclaimed cocktail snob, you’ll love Bar Toniqe and Bellocq (at The Hotel Modern). They’ve got the best fancy (eh, “hand-crafted”) cocktails in town, and they’re both close to NOLA downtown. Sazerac (Roosevelt Hotel) is also nice, as are most of the downtown hotel bars. I’ve been to the Swizzle Stick (Loews Hotel) and the bar at the Pere Marquette (Renaissance Hotel) and both were enjoyable.

Maybe you’re like me and you prefer the cheap stuff. Good call! Look no further than Tropical Isle (any of the four locations). They invented the Hand Grenade, a “syrup-y sweet drink made with rum, gin, vodka, grain alcohol and melon liquor.” Don’t even get their other shit, just get the Hand Grenade.

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Rick’s Cabaret Voted Best Strip Club by Where Y’at Magazine

best strip clubThe readers of Where Y’at Magazine have spoken, and they have named Rick’s Cabaret as the top strip club in New Orleans. Surprising? No. (Reader reviews are notoriously awful for Where Y’at and Gambit.) Penthouse, Rick’s and Visions always round out the top three. But kudos to the readers for not voting for Hustler Club or Barely Legal. At least they got something right…

 

“Best Gentlemen’s Club” – Where Y’at Magazine Best of the Big Easy 2014
1. Rick’s Cabaret: 315 Bourbon St., iknowrick.com Are you a fan of little to no clothing? If so, Rick’s Cabaret is your go to spot. It’s a great place to have a drink and observe the beautiful scenery. Don’t pass this up if you love a great view – Check out Rick’s Sporting Saloon further down Bourbon as well.
2. Penthouse Club: 727 Iberville St., penthouseclubneworleans.com
3. Visions: 4000 Downman Rd., visionsmensclub.com
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Tourist Guide, Pt. 1 of 3: Food

Alright ladies and gents, allow me to take an aside to write about another great way (besides strip clubs) to spend your money: food. Truthfully, it’s debatable how good our strip club scene really is; I personally think it’s overhyped. Our restaurant scene, however, is not up for debate. We have some of the best food in the country.

I get emails from people coming into town asking where they should have their bachelor party. Or what clubs to visit. Or which stripper delivery service to use. I always tell them New Orleans is so much more than a strip club/bar destination. Get out and enjoy the city; don’t just hang out in French Quarter bars. But if you can’t leave downtown – don’t fall victim to the tourist traps.

So for those of you visiting New Orleans, I present you a list of restaurants conveniently located near Bourbon Street and downtown NOLA – so it’s just a quick walk to the strip clubs after your meal. I’ll also throw in a few local joints. Everyone wants to know where to eat in New Orleans, so here’s your answer from a fellow New Orleans strip clubber!

NOTE: Mouse over the images for descriptions, and click for bigger photo. Just FYI.

bourbon house crab clawsredfish bourbon house

chocolate pecan crunch bourbon house

First, the Oyster Joints

Did you really think I wouldn’t talk oysters on a strip club blog? Because the Quarter has some great oyster restaurants! Felix’s, Acme Oyster House, Bourbon House and Deanie’s are all located on the same street, on Iberville (near Penthouse Club). Desire Oyster Bar is further up on Bourbon. Of those, Bourbon House has the best food, but is pricier than the others. They have a great raw oyster bar, but if you don’t like ‘em raw, get the Oysters Bordelaise. They’ve also got $5 small plates everyday from 4:00pm-6:00pm (and half-price oysters). This is a seafood restaurant, so stick with seafood. The Fruits de Mer—an assortment of shucked oysters with caviar, Gulf shrimp, seasonal seafood salads, mussels, and marinated crab fingers—is a popular starter. Bourbon House is also known for its extensive collection of small-batch and single-barrel bourbons. Speaking of bourbon, get the Bourbon Milk Punch for dessert. (You’ll thank me later.)

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A Friendly Reminder to Fellow Clubbers

Be VERY careful when bringing credit cards to the strip club. Most of the time, having them does you more harm than good. Quite often, you’ll withdraw more money than you plan/want to spend (and rack up outrageous ATM fees). And that’s not the worst that can happen.

Strip Club Stage

See, why bring credit cards when strippers really want dollar bills…

Consider this story where four strippers and a strip club manager in NYC were charged with conspiring to drug wealthy men and run up their credit cards. To the tune of $190,000. You may say, “Wait – this didn’t happen in a strip club. They were ‘lured’ in regular nightclubs and drugged outside the strip clubs.” That’s besides the point, smartass.

Please understand I’m not trying to make generalizations about strippers or strip club staff members. Definitely not. I think most people, in general, are honest and want to see customers have a good time. And I think that holds true in strip clubs. I’ve met too many good guys and gals in the clubs to think otherwise. However …

… not everyone is honest. Not everyone acts in good faith. These strippers premeditated befriending these guys so they could drug them and rob them blind. And then extort them if they disputed the charges. And the manager of the place went right along with it. And so did the other employees of the club. Does anyone really think the bartenders didn’t know what was going on? Or the other managers or bouncers? Not one of them? And the other strippers – none of them knew anything?

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Thrillist’s Guide to Best NOLA Strip Clubs

Strippers New Orleans

Well, I did it! I’m finally a published author! Sort of…

A few months ago, I was asked by Thrillist to assist with a piece ranking New Orleans-area strip clubs. If you’re unfamiliar, Thrillist is a lifestyle/leisure publication similar to Maxim, Esquire, etc. Their content is excellent and they don’t put out the same biased, editorial garbage as magazines/newspapers like Where Y’at, NOLA.com, etc.

Anyway, you can read my article about New Orleans strip clubs right now! Click the link, share with your friends, and let the online world know you want more strip club info! Now, back to my rant against New Orleans media…

I realize I sound biased since I’ve never been asked by any other publication to write something. So, I’ll counter by telling you that New Orleans Magazine and Gambit both put out great stuff. And there’s no chance in Hell I’ll ever be asked to write for them. So there!

The stories run in Where Y’at are basically dictated by advertisers, and NOLA.com is just a journalistic trainwreck. OK, back to the point – Thrillist has some insanely good articles about New Orleans, especially for an online publication based in New York. You should check them out.

My hope is that I did right by the editors. I know I tried my best. While I would’ve put something different on this blog, this is – by far – the most professional piece I’ve ever written I’ll ever write. My first draft to them basically trashed every club except for Penthouse (and I even ripped on them, too). Not quite what they had in mind to promote the New Orleans strip club scene. They probably think I’m idiot by now, but hopefully they’re happy with the finished product.

Also, I’ll post some of the awards that didn’t make the cut! I promise – they’ll be entertaining!

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