Editor’s Cut: NOLA Strip Club Awards

As many of you know, I recently wrote an article for Thrillist about New Orleans strip clubs. The assignment was to create a strip club guide for New Orleans – for tourists and locals alike. Not everything made the final cut, so I present you… the shit you didn’t see!

stiletto's bourbon

This is what Stiletto’s looks like with the lights on. WTF, Stiletto’s?! You put this on your website?

Category: Best Cheap Brothel Strip Club
Winner: Stiletto’s, Lipstixx (tied)

 
*Cue Jimmy Fallon “Thank You Notes” music*
“Thank you, Stiletto’s, for being just like a brothel – but cheaper. Much. Cheaper.”

You don’t need to ask why you ended up at Stiletto’s or Lipstixx. You know why. It’s so you can hear the greatest words ever in a strip club: “no, we don’t need a champagne room to do that.” #Winning

As the Thrillist article will tell you… if your idea of ballin’ is breaking a $20, you’ll love Stilleto’s. Otherwise, there’s no reason to visit either club unless you’re looking for [illicit activity redacted] on the cheap.

Insider Knowledge: you’ll spend more money at Lipstixx for a VIP room than you will at Stiletto’s. At Lipstixx, you’ll be pressured to tip the VIP hostess before your time starts. Of course you can say no, but understand this is the person you’re depending on to look the other way when… well, you want her to look the other way. Denying her a tip could make the whole VIP room a giant disappointment. (NOTE: I’m pretty sure the same holds true for Scores or Temptations, but I can’t remember for certain if you’re asked to tip the hostess or not.)

dixie divasCategory: Best Retirement Home for Strippers
Winner: Dixie Divas, The Harem (tied)

 
Elementary schools used to do tours of the former Charity Hospital to give students a glimpse of public healthcare. They should do that with these clubs. It could serve as a PSA for what happens when strippers stay in the biz for a little too long.

Guests will enjoy such treats as the bartender/manager confidently auctioning off one of the dancers for well below MSRP. Or an overweight stripper blowing smoke in your face and asking if you’re ready for “some fun”. Pass.

Category: Most Expensive Lap Dance
Winner: Rick’s Cabaret

 
I will never understand how Rick’s Cabaret gets away with charging $60/song for lap dances. EVERYWHERE else on Bourbon is $40/song (and some girls can be talked down to $30). It makes absolutely no sense. Sure, you get to see the second floor (and some strippers will let you fondle them in the elevator), but that means you’ll spend $120 for about five minutes of dances. With one dancer. That’s terrible.

ricks-minneapolis

Rick’s Cabaret in Minneapolis. Similar main stage to Rick’s Cabaret NOLA, but their stage is eye-level with seats.

And that doesn’t even mention the champagne rooms, which start at $500 for the half hour. Rick’s is a great quality club, no doubt, but it’s the worst value on Bourbon.

Category: Worst Atmosphere
Winner: Rick’s Sporting Saloon, Centerfolds (tied)

 
It’s unfortunate Rick’s Saloon never took off like it was expected to. Located on “the quiet end” of Bourbon, Rick’s Saloon has more dead time than (almost) any strip club on Bourbon. It’s like people don’t realize it exists. And it’s not that the building is disgusting or the girls are ugly – it’s just so damn far out of the way.

The worst kind of atmosphere is when nobody’s in the club. The girls go on stage with no energy and won’t even bother to ask customers if they want dances. Yet you feel it: all eyes are on you to salvage the night (financially). That just makes people leave faster, which empties the place out even more; it’s a vicious cycle.

Regarding Centerfolds, there’s nothing that makes this club unique from the other clubs on Bourbon (similar to Deja Vu). Penthouse and Rick’s Cabaret are nightclub-esque strip clubs. Lipstixx and Stiletto’s are uniquely dirty (on sooo many levels). Temptations looks cool on the inside and would be totally badass if they’d renovate it. Centerfolds is just… there.

rick's saloon

If you love eating/drinking at strip clubs but hate the sight of strippers, have we got the place for you!

Category: Most Clueless Customers
Winner: Hustler Club & Barely Legal

 
Let’s get drunk and go to the strip clubs! In that order! I hate to come down on Hustler/Barley Legal patrons like this, but it seems most of them go there because they don’t know where else to go. Hustler is like the Acme Oyster House of the strip club world (okay, maybe that was a little unfair… I actually like Acme). And they don’t realize how fucking tame this place is – and how little fucking there is here!

“Hustler Magazine shows more vagina than Penthouse Magazine, therefore Hustler Club must be better than Penthouse Club!” Or what about, “Hustler makes porn, so we should go to the Hustler Club!” Be a good friend: tell your friends there are much better options for strip clubs on Bourbon than these two places.

Category: “Why Are We Here?” Award
Winner: Deja Vu

 
I’ve never had any reason to go to this club. Besides allowing 18 year olds (along with Lipstixx), there’s nothing that stands out for Deja Vu. At least not for me. Unless they’ve done renovations in the past year, the main stage is small-ish, the lap dance area is too cramped (and the booths you sit in aren’t big enough), and it’s equally as expensive—as far as drinks and dances go—as places like Penthouse. And the girls are noticeably worse, on most nights, then other clubs. Not the worst, but they price themselves on the same level as Penthouse, Hustler, etc. And they don’t even let you fuck in the VIP! Waste of time, IMO.

NOTE: I realize that the girls look much better on a Saturday night when a big convention is in town; the girls look better everywhere. I’m speaking more along the lines of a typical Wednesday night. Deja Vu does not draw the same talent as other clubs like Penthouse, Rick’s Cabaret/Saloon, Babe’s, or even Hustler/Barely Legal. I would not pay Penthouse prices to go to Deja Vu.

hootersCategory: Best Metairie Strip Club
Winner: Club Eden, Hooters, Twin Peaks (ménage à trois)

 
Yeah, yeah… Hooters and Twin Peaks aren’t strip clubs. Club Eden is so pathetic that this is the situation it finds itself in. You’ll see better looking women at Hooters and Twin Peaks, and if you’ve got a good imagination, you may end up seeing more skin. Club Eden is a pasties club, which is fucking lame. The lap dances are a joke and the dancers are prudes. And they have a ridiculous $10 cover (free pass here). The drinks are cheaper here than Bourbon, I’ll give them that. And they’ve got $2 Tuesdays and Thirsty Thursdays (2-for-1). But it still sucks. They just did all of those renovations, but they should’ve gotten the hell out of Metairie.

P.S. How funny is it that all of the Metairie strip clubs are locally owned and most of the NOLA strip clubs are national chains? Take that, NOLA snobs!

Category: Best Kenner Strip Club
Winner: Nobody

 
There are no strip clubs in Kenner, brah. Looks like we’re going to the turquoise palace (aka Mr. Binky’s) tonight! This place is so shitty, someone tried to burn it!

mr. binky's mr. binky's kenner
Unfortunately, the Mr. Binky’s in Kenner isn’t this nice. #KennerProblems #ThatsSoKenner Better bring your shades!

About NOLA Strip Club Review

We're here to give you the lowdown on strip clubs in the New Orleans area - Bourbon and beyond.
This entry was posted in Bourbon Street, Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, Lipstixx Gentlemen's Club, New Orleans, Stiletto's Cabaret, Strip Clubs, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Editor’s Cut: NOLA Strip Club Awards

  1. Jose says:

    Heh, great to see the “flipside” reviews. Ah, Dixie Dive, indeed what a never-again kind of experience! As to Stilletto’s/Lipstixxx upholding their not-at-all-proud tradition, hey, what else have they got? (a moment of silent remembrance now for Hos R Us, er, I mean, Little Darlings)

    But seriously, good call on how the “Hustler” branding leads some people astray out of simple name-recognition. Larry must be quite pleased to have that sort of brandpower.

    Like

  2. Thanks for the update. Looks like I haven’t missed out on much since the last time I went to Vision’s, before the event.

    Like

  3. Buddy D says:

    Centerfolds strip club and Dixie Diva’s are about Par, Dumps with Dancers and Barmaids on the Old and Fugly side, They look to be good breeding grounds for Staph or MSRA though. 20 minutes it either places is too long. 2 places to put on the never again list.

    Like

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